Bass Pro Shops Sucks

So I decided to finally check out the new Bass Pro Shops in my area. What an adventure!

It all started when I heard about the (sometimes minimum) 2 hour wait for the restaurant. I figured it had to be something spectacular.

The mission to find parking wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Find a tiny spot in a sea of lifted trucks with tow hitches isn't as hard as you'd think.

After a short walk, the trip began at the bar.

There, a fantastic aquarium was the main attraction but everything else was a bit bland. Especially the people. With their mullets and pale sunburnt skin. The drink menu was pathetic. It was similar to that of Rainforest Cafe. And if you haven't been there, don't bother. Since I wasn't about to wait for a seat in the restaurant, we treked into the "Pro Shop."

There isn't one easy way to explain the amazement that flowed throughout my entire frail body. Everywhere I looked there was something incredible. For instance, the magazine collection. When I say, "wow," I actually mean, "WOW!"



Just look at that! There's a...gun magazine over there. Oh, and look! Another one over there! There's a bow and arrow one! And another gun one!

One thing I thought was cool was the indoor fishing. Unfortunately, it's for pesky little kids that actually want to keep what they catch, but are disappointed then they have to throw it back into the water after the fish care-taker drops the fish on the floor after you pose for a picture with it. Or at least that's what I saw.

They have a rock wall there too. I've always wanted to climb one of those. Maybe I can do that someday. Just not there. Besides all that cool stuff, there's also a whole lot of fucking JUNK in there that I'm pretty sure not ONE professional hunter has one of each item of. Nor would they need 70% of it. There's a "fine" gun room, that I didn't make it into. I think I was thrown off by the gay cowboys that walked out. Speaking of guns, I saw a real "Pro" at the rifle game that they have in there.



I can't imagine his shots to be very accurate. Especially since he's holding his rifle like a total fucktard. But surprisingly, there were other people I failed to take pictures of that were holding rifles in the same manner. Probably because I was laughing too hard at them.

They have a bunch of animals frozen in bullet-time throughout the place. Lions, badgers, wolves, prairie dogs. It was amazing. Overlooking the center of the venue I was able to get a vulture's eye view, which I found quite amuzing.



Seeing this made me want to swoop down and start eating all these ridiculous people regardless if they were dead or not. 'Cause I'd make them dead. Real fast.

After not being able to take it anymore, we decided it was time to leave. On the way out, I found something so profound, I started to realize what these people were all about. What they love about the outdoors, slaying animals, and the "sport" of it all. It made me understand their passion. It was their livelihood. Their right as men to hunt. It was the natural order of things. It all spoke to me, from this t-shirt...



...and it made me hate them even more.

Fuck you Bass Pro Shops.